if you lose weight, that’s fine! there’s nothing wrong with that.

but to post progress pictures, before and after, to talk about how much weight you’ve lost, THAT’S where the line is crossed. Or to talk about how you did it, because people will think that if they do the same thing, they’ll magically lose the same weight as well. And bodies are different.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that your body has changed, or with being excited that you’re healthier/stronger.

If your specific body responded one way to changes in your diet, that’s great. But you have to acknowledge that it’s not going to be like that for everyone. And that’s the difference!

If you don’t think anything’s worth doing unless you have someone to share it with, you’ve got to work on loving yourself. You can’t define your self-worth by whether you’ve got a significant other.

I know, easier said than done, right? It is, completely. But you’ve got to force yourself into it.

I can’t even tell you the number of things that I missed out on because I stayed home for lack of someone to go with. But finally I put my foot down, and I started going to concerts, movies, musicals, shopping, by myself. It’s good to get some me-time in. No worry about compromise or if the other person doesn’t like the smell of the candles or if it’s a shitty movie. 

Do things for you, because you deserve them. Do things nice for you, because self-care is vitally important. You need to take care of yourself, and you need to appreciate what you do for yourself! Check out http://selfcare101.tumblr.com/ to get some tips on self-care!

I’m not sure what you’re grieving over, because you didn’t say. But grieving is natural, and if you try to stop it, it’s going to end up making you feel worse. Let yourself grieve, it’s a part of healing.

But if you find that therapy isn’t working, it might be the specific kind you’re in. Maybe you have a therapist who doesn’t really work for you. Maybe the type of therapy is wrong (i’ve heard great things about group therapy and DBT!) Maybe you need to get on some meds to help with your depression.

Depression isn’t something that you can just ‘get over’. It’s a psychological illness. Sometimes you need more help than just therapy, and that’s perfectly okay!

This may have to do with daddy issues, and it may not. It reminds me of a quote from Sex and the City.

Carrie: You think it’s as simple as my dad walked out, therefore I’ll always be screwed up about men?
Miranda: My father came home at seven on the button every night and I still have no clue.

At least you’re conscious that you have a problem, and that’s a big step. Getting closer to someone should give you at least a little anxiety. Opening up to someone, being vulnerable, that’s really scary regardless of whether you had a great or a terrible father. It’s okay to be anxious, it’s okay to be scared. Just don’t let it keep you from moving forward. You’ve got to be brave.

But if it gives you panic-attack/can’t breathe-gonna die anxiety, then you might want to look into getting some kind of counseling. You say you’re in college, lots of colleges have free counseling of some kind, or referrals to someone you could talk to.

I think it’s also important to be honest with this fellow that you like. If he’s a good guy, telling him your fears won’t make him run off, and indeed, it might help explain why you’re scared of moving forward (because he might think you don’t like him/aren’t attracted to him because you don’t want to take a next step, when in fact that’s not it at all!) And if he runs—well, he wasn’t worth your time.

Hope this helps!

Well let’s face it, it probably is affecting your health. Because health isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional (among other things). Family is supposed to be there for you, the people you count on, and when they’re not, it does affect you.

Your mother sounds like she’s got some problems of her own, but of course if you try to confront her about that, she’ll probably take it out on you.

You’re not a failure, and you’re not going nowhere, so don’t listen to what your mother says. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? An aunt/uncle, grandparent, cousin, any other adult who could advocate for you? Even a school counselor or something. I think the best thing you can do is find some adult who will support you.

It’s easy to get frustrated, thinking by a certain age you need to be kissed, need to have sex, need to be in a relationship, or else.

These things don’t have an expiration date. There’s not a certain time it HAS to happen by.

All the same, when you want it and it’s not coming, it’s really frustrating. And people tend to give you the same lines, ‘it’ll come along when you least expect it!’ ‘stop looking and it’ll happen!’ etc. etc. (ugh.)

You are enough. You’re happy enough, fun enough, attractive enough, special enough, whatever ‘enough’ you can think of.

Nothing really makes it suck less if it’s what you really want, but I suggest finding something to distract yourself with in the meantime. I don’t know anything about your life, so I don’t know what kind of social life you have, but it can’t hurt to meet new people. Pick up a hobby. Maybe a sport or a club or hell, knitting. Go out into your community and volunteer, or see if there are any meetup groups in your area. Widen your social circles! Not only will it give you some more friends so you won’t be sitting home alone all the time, but the more people you know, the more chance you’ll have that you’ll find someone who you really hit it off with, or meet a friend who ‘knows someone’ you could go on a date with. Win win situation!

Be careful though, don’t widen your social circle with the main intent to be getting a boyfriend. Like I said earlier, this gets you more hobbies to get your mind off of it, hopefully gets you some more social connections, and is generally awesome!

Also, dating sites like okcupid are always there too. But with those, I have three important rules:

• ALWAYS post a full body shot. Preferably at least two. There’s no point in trying to lie about what you look like to someone you want to meet in real life. It’s a lot easier to have a guy not message you at all because he’s not attracted to your body type, than to string him along and think you look differently than you do and then reject you in real life.
• Be aware that there are lots of creeps. LOTS. as in, mostly. But there are good people on these sites too.
• Be honest about what you want. Don’t say you’re looking for ‘short term dating’ if you’re looking for someone to grow old with.

Hope any of this helps :)

First of all, there’s no such thing as ‘overweight’. Where are you getting this 75lbs ‘over’ a weight from? BMI? Please don’t even look at a BMI chart, BMI is complete bunk.

Secondly, I learned to love myself, honestly? Through Tumblr. Through following a ton of body-positive blogs, looking at bodies that look like my own. Stretch marks, cellulite, scars, acne, bra straps that cut into shoulders, vbo, roots in hair.

I stopped looking at magazines. I stopped watching TV. Hell, I don’t even have a TV anymore. (well, I do, so I can watch DVDS, but it’s not connected to anything.) Everything you see in media is a) fake, and b) designed to make you hate yourself.

Hate and fear are very similar. When you fear, you will consume. You’ll spend your money to ‘fix’ the problems that aren’t really there.

Hence the 65 billion dollar a year diet industry, and yet no one actually losing weight.

Love your body for what it can do. Marvel at the fact that your body is the product of six billion years of evolution. The fact that you can even blink is a fucking miracle. The ways that our bodies are made to work, I mean, it really is breathtaking. We sweat to keep cool. We have body hair to keep cool. We have teeth to chew food. Our heart beats thousands of times a day just to keep us going, and we don’t even have to think about it.

So what if your body looks a little different from the person next you to?

We are, for all intents and purposes, 99.9999999% the same.

Don’t feel bad for failing. After a lifetime of hating yourself, you can’t magically wake up one day full of love and adoration for your body. But just try. Every day, try.

Look in the mirror. Talk to yourself, say nice things. Examine your body. Touch it, even the parts you don’t like. Find reasons to love even the part of your body you hate most. Become familiar with your body. Replace your inner dialogue with positive thoughts. Every time you want to say something like ‘I feel gross/ugly/not enough’, stop yourself, and say ‘I’m a babe!’ ‘I’m amazing!’ ‘My body is wonderful!’

Do that every day. Sometimes you’ll believe it, and sometimes you won’t, but do it every day anyway.

Oh, and don’t give a fuck what anyone else says. Because there’s always going to be someone who thinks you’re ugly, thinks you’re gross, thinks you should jump off a cliff. But those people don’t live your life, so their opinions don’t mean anything unless you let them. So don’t let them!

con’t: for me if anything! Today in the middle of a lovely and romantic date, he told me that he feels awkward that his friends wonder “how a guy like him could get a girl like me.” In reference to the weight issue. I was speechless… What would be the right thing to say to that, if anything? Also, he is determined to lose more weight ( a couple of years ago he lost over 100 lbs from gastric bypass and has kept it off). I feel like he sees himself as much bigger than he actually is, because of his past. But  I don’t really see any need for him to keep losing, to me he looks perfect. I don’t know how to tell him that I love his body since he seems to hate it so much, and I don’t want him to think I’m objectifying him or only into him because he is chubby. Ah, I know this is a long question but ANY insight into any element of it would be very much appreciated! Thank you!

It’s so antiquated, the idea that if you look a certain way you ‘should’ date someone who looks a certain way. It doesn’t make sense. I remember once in high school I was complaining about being single and I said ‘who would want to date me, anyway?’ and some girl said, without hesitation: ‘Bill!’ Bill was the fattest male at the school. Oh, okay. So since I’m fat, I can only date a fat guy? 

Attraction simply doesn’t work that way.

Fat girls are attracted to skinny guys.

Fat guys are attracted to chubby girls.

Chubby girls are attracted to jacked guys.

Just because YOU look a certain way doesn’t mean you have to be attracted to a certain look. It’s absolutely ridiculous that people seem to think that you do. 

Your boyfriend seems to suffer from low self-esteem, which a lifetime of being fat can easily do to anyone.

Tell him to call his friends out. Tell him to ask them legitimately, why does it even matter?

Introduce him to Chubstr! It’s a whole tumblr dedicated to chubby/fat guys! In fact, I’d make him aware of the body-positive community on tumblr, because unless you SEE body types like yours being in high demand, you’re unlikely to believe that they are.

As for the weight loss, if you want me to totally be honest, I think it goes hand in hand with what his friends are saying. He probably thinks that if he loses weight, he’ll be more deserving of you. You need to assure him that that’s not true. You need to straight up tell him that you’re attracted to his body type. You need to tell him that you like his size, not that you like him in spite (or because) of it.

Most importantly, you need to support him, and you need to realize that in the end there’s only so much you can do to help him. He has to be the one to really take the initiative to learn to love himself just as he is. You can be there to support him, but you can’t do it for him. Give him as many tools as you can.

What I find silly is how little Christmas actually has to do with Christ.

Like how Jesus wasn’t even born on December 25.

‘Deck the halls with boughs of holly’. . .oh wait, though. Holly was used in Pagan tradition as a sign that life would return, since it didn’t die in the winter.

Or how about the whole Santa thing? Lives in the North Pole, reindeer, elves? Sure sounds Christian to me!

The thing is, Christmas has been bastardized to the point where it has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with Black Friday and packed malls and dreading time with the in-laws.

For me, the holidays have nothing to do with religion. For me, it’s about reflection at the end of the year, spending quality time with family and friends, being thankful for all you have. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I gave a Christmas gift.

The consumerism that comes with the holidays disgusts me. The fact that people spend time and money to get the latest and greatest new things for each other is repulsive. I went to a Black Friday sale once, and when the doors opened at 5am, everyone in line literally RAN into the store, RAN full speed to the aisles they needed to get the product they wanted. It was disgusting. I vowed never to do that again.

The past 3 Christmases, I worked at a portrait studio, and it was hell. Customers were downright mean. Bitching about prices, bitching about poses, bitching about the time they had to wait. Absolutely NO ‘holiday cheer’, just stress and unhappiness.

I think that wondering whether atheists should exchange gifts is less of an important question than why so many Christians seem to forget what it is they’re celebrating.

Look at the commotion the occupy wallstreet protests are having. The only way it’s going to get changed is if people complain. You have to start by making a grassroots effort. Blog about it, call people out when they make fat jokes or say something negative about a person of size. Make people question their discrimination and see that it’s not harmless. When tv shows exploit fat people, write to them. Don’t sit idly by.

First of all, no, you don’t. You don’t need anyone. If you can’t handle being by yourself, you’re not going to be able to handle being with someone. I know it sounds harsh, but it’s true. Because what’s going to happen is once you find someone you’re going to be so excited that you’re going to dump everything on him, and he’s gonna be like ‘no no no, too much’ and run for the hills. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times.

That being said, there’s no ‘special’ place to meet guys who dig fat girls. They’re everywhere. I met a bunch of nice ones on okcupid, but there’s a lot of duds on okcupid in general, not just because of your size. I’d stay away from craigslist.

I’d actually go out and try to make connections with people outside the internet. Hang out with friends, do the whole ‘friend of a friend’ thing, smile at people on the subway or when you’re at the store. Make yourself accessible without making yourself look desperate. I know how trite it sounds, believe me, but it honestly will happen when you’re not expecting it!

obvious reasons. But he still seems to love me and plays around like usual. But it makes me uncomfortable b/c he can come off as critical of overweight women sometimes. Even if they’re just a little bit chubby. And although the only comments he’s been making about my weight have been lighthearted jokes, I feel like he’ll wish I didn’t look the way I do now. Even though I’m fine, I know it’s not the “petite” dream of me he’s had all these previous years. I don’t want to change/diet. what do I do?

Make him aware of what he’s doing. When he says something critical about an overweight woman say ‘that’s interesting, why do you say that?’ We’re all attracted to different things, that’s true. But make him realize that when he says something critical about fat girls, you feel uncomfortable. Be honest about your weight gain, and say ‘there’s nothing wrong with me, so what’s wrong with her?’ No one deserves to feel unattractive because of their weight!

…have amazingly huge boobs all the time(i have smallish ones), and other body traits that seem like the complete opposite of me. it makes me wonder if he truly thinks of me as anything special in his eyes. i’ve just started to feel really insecure and i don’t really feel confident about my ability to be attractive and wanted. how can i start to get this back?

I think my boyfriend is the most attractive man on the planet. But you know what? I’m attracted to people who are the exact opposite of him too. If you feel like you’re the only exception, I have to be honest, a good reason for that might be because it’s MUCH harder to find fat girl porn or smut that isn’t trashy/degrading as fuck. (I’d suggest some for you if I knew of any!)

So what if these other girls are incredibly gorgeous? So are you. You’re being way too down on yourself! You are overthinking the women he’s looking at. Your boyfriend finding other women attractive doesn’t make YOU any less attractive! So don’t psyche yourself out about it :)